Bricked up and locked up

This heart lays heavy upon my breast, like a burden held inside of me: like a metal forged chain wrapped around this heart and weighting it down, pulling on it. I can feel the cold, cold metal, squeezing the warmth out of this bright red heart, see the large unbreakable chain links…

From whence did this come, this heavy chain, this burden, this weight? Out of nowhere it has sprung; I see it in my mind’s eye, feel it in my chest, pulling on me, making me cold…
My walls are up, sudden, complete, with no doing from me… they are there, protecting me from the world, blocking me from the world, blocking me from my emotions, my love….

It is my doing. Not now, oh, not now – they have arisen of their own accord… but who created them, all those years ago? A hurt teenager, thinking to protect herself from emotional harm… oh, too good! You were too good at Imaginative thinking! Inherent Witchery, your given power, the Power of Thought… your blessing, your Gift, becomes your Curse, for you did not think ahead, you did not know what you were creating! And now that brick wall that served you so well for a time, keeping you away from everything that could harm, letting nothing through either way… now – it was so well built, that it springs up without conscious thought, without need, sheltering you when no shelter is needed: I need the Growing Oak of love and learning… but my Wall is too strong, built with solid Thought foundations.

And I peek out from that wall, through its narrow eye slit, with flat dull eyes, flat dull lips, flat dull emotions, a flat dull heart… beating away ‘gainst that cold metal chain. I don’t remember forging that but who else to blame? No-one, no-one, I must look to myself…

I am living in shades of grey when I crave sunshine and blue skies.

I feel the Bodhisattva inside of me, that Spirit that I vowed to be, calling, yearning: My Spirit beseeches me… Be Strong! Break free! I am you and you are I…
But I cannot reach her. She is far, deep inside. She is split from the me that is here – that chain, that wall, keeping us separate, keeping my feelings and my heart base, keeping me in two-dimensional thinking and feeling.I want to reach my Bodhisattva – but I cannot break free: I have done my work to well, for reasons as yet unfathomable to me.

I am bricked up and Locked up:
chained and bound.

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  1. I have just nominated your blog for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:
    Please accept my kind regards without any obligation. This is my thanks for being such a wonderful supporter and inspiration to me.

  2. We are all boddhisatvas of the earth and the key to freedom is within. Sometimes we must remove layers of darkness before we get to it; but surely it is there. Know that we are all endowed to flourish and a promise to flourish requires action. Great causes lead to great effects while removing layers of soiled thoughts and actions, uncovering a mass phenomena of hope and change.

  3. This reminds me of a dream I have had……very fuzzy can’t remember it all. The part I do remember is the locked up or locked out feeling and not having the key. 😦

  1. Unexpected Joy for my “NOW”…Thank you « life lived now

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