Raw

This is a piece I wrote some time ago: it is a release, of emotions, of confusion of feeling. Don’t worry – I don’t feel this way anymore! But I enjoyed re-reading this (if ‘enjoyed’ is the right word) from an objective view point… So I thought I would ‘put it put it out there’ and see what you guy think 🙂

What to do when the mood is upon you?
When you know not what to feel, how to feel, why you are feeling this way?
Feeling…. empty. Flat. Disassociated -? – Possibly. Angry, in some vague, unknown, uncertain way. Confused in yourself, in your feelings, in your arrested emotional development. Bitter? – Maybe. – Why?
Retreat. Retreat into the cold familiarity of those walls, of that blankness, that dullness that has been our only company before, like an old friend re-visiting.
Where has it come from? Why has it come? A myriad of reasons, none that stand up to reason.
Yet it is here, a comfortable shroud, and the old habit comes back, memory re-awakes, with the close-by glass of red wine and the cigarettes and the warm, silent alone-ness.
Vaguely confused, yet comfortably familiar. Perversely happy in fogged misery.
I can feel those walls rising up, closing me in, the darkness surrounding, the numbness enveloping.
And there is no-one here to take me out of my mind.
No-one to keep me sane. No-one to push back the darkness, to break the walls.
Is this the beginnings of madness? The start of withdrawal? A sign of depression? Or just a temporary blip, to be dealt with, to weather, until normal service is resumed?
Is happiness the temporary state until The Bleakness returns, or do I give too much credence to emotional wounds?
Does it matter? Does anyone care? Will tomorrow dawn bright, bringing good cheer?
A shadow, a shell, a husk-
A whisper, a fade, an echo thus.
Comfortably numb. Emotionally dumb.
Angry? Only at myself – never knowing how to deal with it, how to leak it, how to release it.
Always turned inward, a quiet bubbling within, unsure if it’s justified.
Disappointed – with myself. Never knowing….
What to do.
How to feel.
Why I feel the way I do.
A gaping hole.
A missing link.
Over and over. Again and again. Never do I learn.
Tired.
So tired of myself.
There is so much brightness, so much love – I know it’s there – I have seen it, released it, shared it. But it is suffocated, constricted, drowned.
Marooned in an ocean of bleakness, numbness, emptiness.
I expect too much. I ask too little. I open too far. Emotions too brittle.
Perception is warped; projections abound. Like a mirage – am I really so unsound?
I try so hard to see the other side, never trusting my own judgement, by others I abide. So clearly I try to please, giving and giving, bottling and bottling, hissing and spitting when others don’t read my mind. Sweet and sour by turns, that’s me, so frustrated with myself, with this inconsistency.
Let me weep; let me rage;
Let me fear; let me hurt;
Let me anything but this all-consuming nothingness, this living death, this silent anger, this self-contempt quietly boiling within.

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13 Comments

  1. I’m beginning to realize that everything is a temporary state. Happiness, too (bummer!)

    Reply
    • Life is a journey of hills and valleys; up and down, never ending. It is up to us whether we stop to appreciate the view when we were are on the ‘hill’, 🙂

      Reply
  2. We all experience the bad times. Writing about it is not that easy. Here is the outpouring of emotions–which I’ve to admit is well handled. I bet it will be a big struggle trying to write something as good as this–even when I’m sober.

    We all need to reflect. Thanks for the post.

    Reply
  3. It should be of course talking in plain language puts you in touch with your intergrity.

    Reply
  4. Loved this piece!!
    I have been in all those places before. It’s good to read about what was and remind oneself how far one has come and why we must continue and live our “nows”.

    Thank you

    Reply
    • Thank you. I agree with you… you can look back and be proud of where you have led yourself to – who you are now, what you are now. We never know what Tomorrow brings… so all that is important is how we live, Now. 🙂

      Reply
  5. I so much ecognize this:

    There is so much brightness, so much love – I know it’s there – I have seen it, released it, shared it. But it is suffocated, constricted, drowned.
    Marooned in an ocean of bleakness, numbness, emptiness.
    I expect too much. I ask too little. I open too far. Emotions too brittle.

    Reply
    • I wondered if anyone else would connect to this feeling. I hope you are doing ok after your last blog post.

      Reply
      • I am ok, I was ok then too, when writing the last post – even if it seems I was upset.

        Sometimes expressing powerful feelings is very healthy,
        talikng in plain language purs yiu in touch with your intergrity.

        How are you feeling now …?

      • It certainly does!
        Me – I’m fine, thank you – better than fine, happy. I am in a very different place now than when I wrote that piece. Another reason i love writing; it’s like a photo album, a memory store… I can look back and see my journey. And can be grateful that the places I have been have led me to be this person, now, with all the understanding that I now have 🙂

  1. Moving on | Haven't We Done This Before?

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