A Soul Eternal

I am Summer’s centre;
I am Winter’s womb;
I am Spring’s augmenter;
I am the Madness of the Moon.

 I AM NOT MORTAL.

I was born in a mortal’s body.
Born in a mortal way.

BUT I DO NOT FEEL MORTAL.
I FEEL MORE THAN MORTALS FEEL.
I EXPRESS MORE THAN MORTALS EXPRESS.
Yet I belong to no Religion.
I belong to every religion.

I EXIST, TRULY, IN MY OWN DREAMWORLD.

But I cannot deny the Reality that has been given me.
I cannot deny my youngling years.
They…they all helped shape me.

The Dreamworld.

I AM MORTAL.
….But I exist in the Dreamworld, I LIVE, I THRIVE, in the Dreamworld.
The Reality world is the dream.

I understand what others don’t. I – don’t – enter the Witch-realm – the psychic realm – for FEAR of that which I will RE-discover? That which I once knew, but left behind, lifetimes ago?
I am on the outskirts of those realms, dipping and diving into a wave of knowledge then backing up again, like coming up for air. In Reality, hope barely exists. Routine and Boredom and Stagnation rule. I cannot bear their reign.

Dreams is my realm….. Day-dreams, spirit-dreams. My spirit – is real –is – almost as old as time-?

I AM A SEXUAL BEING.

I AM A BEING OF HOPE, OF OPTIMISM, OF CONFIDENCE – FOR OTHERS.

Hope and Brightness without, Darkness within.
I AM A DREAM-BEING –I give every male I meet something new – a Hope, a Belief, a Faith, an Optimism, a Love. Those I meet once and merely flirt with –Friends, acquaintances, lovers, partners – every single one.

I MUST BE A DREAM. I MUST BE A HOPE. I MUST BE A BEING MEANT MERELY FOR OTHERS- MALE OTHERS – FOR I GIVE AND GIVE – AND THEN SEEM TO CRUSH – I NEVER TAKE – I NEVER GET TO TAKE. Not selfishly. Not without hurt to me.

I AM MORTAL.
BUT MAYBE I AM A MORTAL DREAM. ..

LILITH!
LILITH-CHRIST:-
Female Christ?

Lilith-Spirit? Old as time, the First Age, the story of God. Fire and Dark and Independent and Willful and all that ever Was, Is, could be, Female. Beauty and Rage in one. Compassion and Desire in one. Spiritual and earthy – all in one.

YES. YES. I AM OF LILITH’S SPIRIT!
ALL THESE THINGS. ALL THESE THINGS I FEEL I AM. I CAN FEEL THE BOUNTILESS OPTIMISM AND JOY FOR LIFE, FREEDOM IN PHYSICALITY, THAT LOOKS AND FEELS TO ME LIKE A GOLDEN DAWN. HOW GRAND AND NURTURING AND UPLIFTING AND HAPPY LIFE CAN BE. AND I FEEL A MANIC EXPRESSION OF HAPPINESS, BUBBLING WITHIN, RISING TO THE SURFACE.

I HAVE FELT WITHIN ME, WITHIN MY SOUL, THE DEEP STIRRINGS OF A BOTTOMLESS DARKNESS. A RAGE AND MORBIDITY AND SADNESS AND PESSIMISM THAT COULD FILL MY VERY SOUL, SPREAD OUTWARDS AND ENVELOP, ENCASE, INFECT OTHERS, HURTING AND POISONING WITH EVERY WORD, EVERY ACTION. A BITTERNESS WITHOUT END, THAT CAN ONLY GO DEEPER, DARKER, MORE ANGRY, WITH NO HOPE.

Both these things I feel inside me, the absolute extremes of human emotion, thought, feeling.
I have never experienced them. In snippets, snapshot moments of life, I have. A little taste of one, to leave an echo in my heart, of the memory and the feeling… But never the details.

I am Stillness, in the centre, no matter what is going on around me. Utter Stillness within. The edge of my mind reaches to a myriad of thoughts, ideas, reactions, actions…Dreams. Inspiration from a web of inspiration, but like a butterfly landing for barely a moment, then off again in a different direction, seeking new colours, smells, fabrics.

THE DREAMWORLD…..

Like the centre of me is a black well, is Stillness absolute….
Waiting….
Endlessly…..

And outside the absolute Inner, the absolute Darkness, the absolute silence…
The fringes of the Inner.
The Dreamscape.
Where ideas, dreams, abstract and colour exist….
Flickering and fluttering on the edge of consciousness….
The bridge between conscious and unconscious, the inner and the outer, the Spiritual and the Earth Plane ….
DREAMS AND REALITY….
AND HERE RESIDES HOPE.

I FEEL IMPRISONED. IMPRISONED, ENTRAPPED BY… MYSELF.
BY MY SURROUNDINGS…. THE ETIQUETTE THAT SOCIETY IMPOSES, THAT I AGREE TO ADHERE TO JUST TO FIT IN WITH SOCIETY AND NOT BE LOOKED AT, LOOKED UPON IN MADNESS OR FEAR OR DISBELIEF.
I BURN, I YEARN, I HUNGER TO RELEASE, EXPRESSION AND WORDS AND MOVEMENT AND… ME!
THE MADNESS THE JOY THE HUNGERTHE DEPTHS FROM WITHIN…
I DESIRE TO FREE ALL THAT IS WITHIN THAT IS TRULY ME….
BUT I AM RESTRICTED BY EVERYTHING WITHOUT, INCLUDING MYSELF.

I am Mortal without.
I AM FREE, I AM SPIRIT WITHIN.

I…..
AM…..
DESIRE!

I want what I cannot have.
Always.
Eternally.
‘The grass is always greener on the other side’.

YET I KNOW THE JOY.
I am grateful for that which I have. I experience, I joy, in what I have.

YET I YEARN FOR THAT WHICH I CANNOT HAVE AT THE SAME TIME.

The grass is greener…..

I AM DESIRE…
AND DESIRE IS HOPE….
HOPE FOR THAT WANTED DESIRE….
HOPE THAT THAT DESIRE NEVER COMES TO PASS….
AND DESIRE IS HOPE…..

I drink, I smoke, I take drugs, -to escape the…

Wretchedness…

The routine….
The wickedness of this world.

ESCAPISM.

The Dreamworld.

I cannot abide sobriety.
I cannot bear routine.
I abhor function and sensibility.

GIVE ME ESCAPISM….
GIVE ME DREAMS….
GIVE ME HOPE…..

DESIRE….

FREEDOM.

Give me a Soul Eternal.

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